gravity drags down the soul

indiana is where masochistic democrats live.

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 02:19:56 GMT

i finally understand why the vibe in indiana bother's me.

people here judge, people here don't accept things, it's not their nature. While the world as california sees it may have progressed to the highest heights of humanity, the rest of the country is in the dark ages.

I can accept republicans and their different views, I can accept people who have no desire once so ever to travel, to experience new things,i can accept all races, nationalities and religions, i can even accept people who are obviously uneducated. What i cannot accept is the hate i feel here. I hear people calling the african american community niggers, i hear stories of gays, lesbians and transexuals being harassed by the people who harass them. I've heard women being objectified and degraded to their face and behind their backs. I've heard foreign students and teachers called terrorists.

I really don't think what we need is more hate, but i can't stop myself from hating them, on a personal level. I don't want to but i do. And i feel justified. We can't progress becaust they are holding us back. We can't breakthrough to the next golden age of humanity because people like this exist.

What really bothers me is that they can't see that each group they hate is made up of people, who feel pain and happiness, who exist just as they do. They even encounter these people and feel no shame, hate blindly, based on small differences. I. Don't. Know. Why.

I guess that i'm becoming like that, more and more i can't see them as people because i hate them so much. The sad part is that i always give everyone the benefit of the doubt, i think they're nice, i want to be friends with them, but my patience is becoming thin. I want to accept them, whatever they think or believe, but their hate is deep. Whatever, i'll just do my best to inform offenders of my views and ask them not to say hateful things in my presence. I won't let them bring me down with them.

cleaning frenzy

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:15:38 GMT

Last night i couldn't sleep. Usually this would mean reading until i fell asleep, but i looked on my calendar and saw that i was supposed to do a bunch of cleaning tomorrow, so i decided why now start now. (me, doing something early?! nooo.)

So i picked up my room, took all the laundry down (which took like 3 trips), actually put my clean clothes away, put my shoes away, and cleaned everything else out that wasn't supposed to be there. Then i was hella tired so i went to sleep.

Then this morning i woke up and dusted every surface in my room, vacuumed, changed my sheets and scrubbed the bath tub (which i absolutely hate because it hurts.)

Tomorrow i'm going to vacuum the bathroom and scrub the floors. And maybe try to clean the playroom... but that's a lost cause because my sister is just gonna fuck it up again.... siiigh

Anyways, i'm super excited for thanksgiving break. My house will be okay to chill at because i've done hell of shit. No one can say no to me now. That would just be hypocritical. So yes. HOORAY BREAK!!!

Video Game Post (because i have time for stuff like this now)

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:48:40 GMT

Well now that life has become infinitely more simple, i am back to my video gaming habits. Truly a stress reliever for me. And apparently my counselor thinks i need stress relief and a shit load of therapy and yoga. Who knew i was so fucked up?

Anyways. I want an Xbox 360 for 3 reasons: Left 4 Dead, Halo 3, Gears of War 2

That's it. I'd sell my Wii to finance the purchase. But the Wii is about as valuable as dog shit right now.

Right now my PS3 is a godsend. I'm so glad i decided to get it. I want to get GH: World Tour, but since i won't have people to play with in the near future, not so sure about the investment.

OH, and harmonix has confirmed-ish rumors of a game entitled DJ Hero. This is old news but i've been waiting for some american company to take the beatmania premise away from Konami. In a new age of rhythm based games, you'd think Konami would be playing up DDR and porting all their arcade games. But no. They're still making games for the PS2. idiots. Anyways, i would loooove to have some modern american dance music to play with. One gets tired of technofied jazz and dj taka.

There's a new Tomb Raider game coming out. I've never really been fond of the games, but i might rent it and give it a shot.

I really want to play Mirror's Edge but i think it might make me sick, if the screen shots are any indication. Any game that says it's vertigo inducing in the description on the back is bound to make me at least a little dizzy. But hey it's first person adventure. Kinda like portal.

I'm also excited about Fallout 3. It's like a post-apocalyptic modern real world Oblivion with guns. So no unicorns (clement i'm still pissed you killed the unicorn in cold blood =P), but i get to shoot things and have more control over character development.

So yes, that is my videogaming post. Expect many awesome videogaming session over xmas break.

HALLOWEEN PARTIES!!!!

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 05:13:23 GMT

These are our options for halloween. I want to go to a halloween party dammit.

http://uss-hornet.org/calendar/halloween/index.shtml (weak sauce)

http://www.skeeomedia.com/forms/donovansf/slide_ladies_rsvp.cfm (potential weak sauce)

www.peacheschrist.com/whatsup.html could be very fun.

www.dnalounge.com/flyers/2008/10/31-halloween.html REALLY interested in that one.

www.etiquettelounge.com/home_mac.htm not sure if it's for our age but looks really posh.

www.templesf.com/calendar#30 also a possibility.

Since it's going to rain i ditched the outdoor stuff. This is pretty much weather proof.

If none of that is good, i suggest scaring the shit out of trick or treaters and watching scary movies. Also pumpkin carving ^_^.

YAY!!

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 00:30:23 GMT

I knew he was real!! Hooray. And you know shit is gonna go down if The Free Man is there. Get ready for the Headcrab invasion. I need to go get a crowbar...

my worst nightmare.

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:12:23 GMT

So here's a pic that i stumbled on.

NOOOOO why are you fighting?? You should be joining forces to destroy the alien menace!

well whatever, my money is on Freeman, he is fucking resourceful. Although Master Chief is one of my heroes too...

ugh. i can't choose between them. And that is a first for me. They tie for most awesome of awesome characters.

WHOOP

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 22:38:57 GMT

CANCER FREEEEE!!!

hopefully forever. we'll see.

BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVAR!!!

needs major cheering up.

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 07:27:08 GMT

I went to buy school supplies and felt rather odd. Amidst the fifth graders and their rude parents, i struggled to find the weirdest shit. Folders, a calculator and engineering paper were rather easy. But then i had to find a triangular engineering ruler, a triangular architectural ruler, a bad ass compass and some standard triangles. It was amazing that i got everything. But they were sold out of the architectural ruler.... Really? And then they checked the san leandro store. Sold out. Then fremont. Sold out. The closest store with a stupid ruler was oakland. Are you serious? it's not like it was a cool ass dora the explorer backpack that was on sale or some shit. *sigh* whatever.

I ordered my books. the total was about 400 bucks. If they don't get here by monday i can't do my precal homework. I'll just email her saying i haven't received my books yet, and when i do you will get my homework the very next day. If that doesn't work, i'll just tell her that i had to wait for money to be deposited into my account so i could afford her giant ass expensive new book. That should make her feel bad.

I haven't been feeling all that great lately. I mean at least i know why, but it doesn't help me any. *sigh* i'll get over myself.

Bleh. I think i'm just in a bad mood because i've been having trouble sleeping. I've been caffeine free for a couple days, but i still can't get to sleep at night. Then i sleep in and wake up hella late. waste of time. During the week i'm ok. I get up so damn early that i basically fall asleep as soon as i get home. Then i wake up, eat dinner and do homework til i fall asleep again. Works out.

i turn 20 in about 30 hours. Just call me grandma. *sigh* i'm old. I have multiple doctors. I complain about my aches and pains. I can't see and i have short curly hair like my grandma..... *siiiiiigh* at least i still get cool shit for my birthday.

last year on my birthday, we all went to the cheesecake factory. ALL of us.... and the waitress kept saying i was 18. i miss that. *sigh* now i reminisce like an old lady.... god.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 06:21:26 GMT

AHH!! SUCK IT AUSSIES!!

weeee!!! i love phelps =)

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:43:04 GMT

OMG done with trig. hopefully forever.

I need at least a C on the final to pass. i kicked it's ass tho so i should be good.

anyways. I am nearly ready to start DMing. I haven't looked through the first campaign entirely, but i'm determined to add stuff to it. Like hookers and drugs and bank robberies. You know, some extra drama.

Also there will be robot dragons from the future and they will be epic. Pray that i decide not to make them into Bosses and instead let you ride them like the creepy thing from never ending story. If that's what i decide there will be lazer rainbows and glitter. lots of glitter. heehee

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:51:19 GMT

I've been reading more books in the Dune series, mostly The Butlerian Jihad. it kinda freaks me out.

It's about a time in the historical events preceding Dune, when humans were being exterminated by an AI named Omnius.

the scary part is that it's not too different from our time right now. Basically the only things missing are humans living on other planets and interplanetary travel. And honestly, those are the reasons humans win the war. because we can hide like vermin in the vast uncharted universe.

Omnius is a result of a previous creation. His creators, the group known as the titans, found a way to preserve their minds within machines, making them immortal. But they create AI systems that had too much power, and they soon lost their authority. Thus Omnius was born, and was hunted down and destroyed, because we are inefficient wastes of resources.

At the rate that technology is being created and improved upon, AI that powerful could actually be a problem. The world is lazy, and we become more and more lazy the more technology we create. That leads to more tasks and more knowledge being given to AI, and when all that knowledge and ability become equal with ours, the balance tips, and suddenly we are no longer in control, and we are the ones being used.

The reason for making AI intelligent and responsible enough to do our day to day jobs was to give us more time. Time to let loose human creativity, imagination and resourcefulness. Basically the things humanity and arts majors do that no one will pay them for. With more time, we could do things that were productive for the mind and not necessarily for the comfort and convenience we require. You know, fun stuff.

But that's not what happened. People were just bored, and they turned to mindless slugs. It wasn't hard for the machines to take over.

The minute a machine was made with the ability to make decisions, and when humanity relied on that machine to make our decisions for us because they could not be bothered, they lost the war.

I love technology. And this doesn't deter me a bit from my fascination with robots and gadgets. But while humans kill in passion without a reason, or with flawed reasons, machines can't think and they don't have the ability to kill of their own will. The important part is that they have no will of their own.

I know this arguement is merely a warning now. But there will come a day when rules and laws will need to be set in place so that something like that never happens. And i both fear and await that day. It will either be a crowning achievement in the history of humanity, or are biggest mistake.

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 22:47:07 GMT

my hair is becoming unstraight again. i am pissed. very pissed.

also i am bored and looking forward to the end of my trig class. hooray for tahoe vacation. and then school again -_-

i want to do something fun but it looks like i'll be busy until i start school again.

nothing is going right bleh. no job because i'm too young, no vacation because i have to catch up, and no straight hair because i have no weight.

And my mom just decided that today, the day i need to study, is the day where she is going to take everything out of my bathroom, dump it on the floor and demand that i organize all of it. now.

fuck that.

change in life plans. because life is a dick.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 22:14:52 GMT

I've made some changes to my long term goals. I was talking it over with my mom and going to school out of state isn't in my best interest. I knew it wasn't but i was going to do it anyway, because i could get a job quicker and build some experience. But last night i was researching how to get a Honda Clarity (which by the way i can't get because they are only leasing a limited quantity to socal residents who qualify) and i discovered that they have internships for sophomore mechanical engineering students in LA.

So my medical problems are solved. Going out of state, while good for internships, would mean that i would be very far from my original oncologist, forcing me to find a new one. However if i stay in california i can continue to see Dr. Advani and the other doctors who are familiar with my treatment plan and medical history. Hooray.

So my new goal is to transfer to UCLA and failing that, any other college in the LA area, and then try for a honda internship, of which there are several. Several PAID internships, lasting at least 3 months, available for every semester. Awesomeness. And since there are international honda headquarters, european ones especially, and a Honda F1 race team, i could have a lot of opportunities. Besides, i like LA, a lot. I like the weather and the city and the enviroment.

Hooray. My mom is very happy with my new plan. But she keeps making comments about mediocre grades. Annoying....

I made an appointment with a counselor for a transfer agreement. But i already kinda know what i need. Mainly all my math, chem 1a and 1b (berk only wanted 1a grumble grumble) and all my physics. But i have all of the other reqs taken care of. Now i just need to finish maths.... *sigh*. anyways, yes. That is my new plan. I feel very good about it.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:40:41 GMT

So yesterday my whole entire family decided that they needed to tell me that i spend too much money. The following argument resulted in verbal abuse from my father, which in turn resulted in a shouting match between us, interrupted by my mother yelling at my dad to be civil.

Basically we have no more spending money. We have no more spending money because we can barely afford our gas bill. My parents, who make roughly 140,000 a year combined, with added raises this year to compensate for price of living, cannot afford gas. And it's apparently my fault.

I don't drive anywhere unnecessarily. I go to chabot and back home everyday. I get the cheapest gas i can find and my usual bill is about 45-50 every 2-3 weeks. I don't get spending money, and what little money i do get is used to feed me when the house is empty and my mom is too busy to do her job. My mom's excuse is that everyone's bill piles up on top of each other. Is that my fault? no. I do the best i can. I even offered to take the bus. My sister drives her broke ass friends everywhere everyday, she buys fast food everyday. My dad runs a diesel car, that's over 5 dollars a gallon. My mom drives the tahoe to and from work and everywhere else she goes. Now who is the one costing money here? I don't know but it sure as hell isn't me. But you know then they start ranting about coachella. which was months ago.

I live at home because i have to, because even if i had a job there's no way i could afford the cost of living. I sent out my resume to the oakland spca in the hopes that i could make enough money to pay for my own gas and maybe have some spending money. maybe. either way it looks like any money i make will be swallowed up by my family because we're fucking poor.

so yeah. don't ask me to go anywhere or do anything because i can't afford it. I can't afford the gas, the food or the fun. I probably can't go to tahoe, or afford disneyland, or vacation in general, seeing as we have no money. My mom even yelled at me because i have to pay azizeh to straighten my hair for me next week. i was gonna make dinner this thursday but we probably can't afford the meat. i don't even no why i'm going to school. i'd probably cost less if i didn't. and then i'd have time to work three jobs. hooray. maybe i can also aspire to have three kids by age 25 and live in a trailer.

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 23:17:23 GMT

i really really really hate my hair. Like a lot. It's making me all depressed. It's longer which should be a good thing but it's not. Every time i wash it, it dries all poofy. I have a jew fro. i hate hate hate it. Looking in the mirror makes me want to cry. I tried blow drying it and it doesn't work. I don't want to put shit in it because then i just look like those lame girls who gel their hair so it looks wet. Trailer trash. I can't even straighten it because i'm afraid i'll burn my scalp.

I can't even wear my wig anymore because my hair is too long and thick and poofy. But it isn't long enough for me to pass for my actual gender or for kids to stop staring at me in class. My teacher even looked at me funny when she made us raise are hands for attendance. Yes my name is danielle. yes i look like a boy. leave me the fuck alone.

I don't want to have to wear a skirt and heels just for ppl to actually understand that i am not gay or weird or whatever. i miss my hair.

I was looking at extensions and there's no way my mom can afford it. And as much as i feel like a freak, i would feel guilty asking for them. That's 500 and up for the hair, 75-100 a month for upkeep. My mom could pay off my car for that much money. Or pay for school, or bills, or food. That's like me getting extensions instead of our whole family going to disneyland. Just because i feel ugly. I already cost too much money. I guess i could get a job, but all of my paycheck would go to that. It's ridiculous.

I wish i could just shave my head and have it come back the way it was. i liked my hair. I never wanted it to be different or better. You know how most girls want longer hair or thicker hair or straight/curly hair. My hair was just the way i wanted it. It's not fucking fair.

I don't know. I just want my hair to get past this awkward ugly shit. It takes one month for it to grow an inch. so in january i might not look gay. maybe. oh joy. i fucking hate this shit.

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 07:27:50 GMT

So today, when i should have been doing productive shit after class, i decided to play half life for about 2 hours. Then i ate lunch and watched star trek, and then played half life for another hour or two. I don't know if i'm close to the end yet and i don't want to spoil it by looking on gamefaqs or something. Either way there was much pwnage. Yesterday i managed to stack up 12 dead combine dudes in the same place. I was hiding in a sentry alcove and they just kept walking by. mmmm shotguns. Also the sentries look similar to the portal sentries, but they don't talk (Are you still there???)

Besides that i haven't been doing much. I go to class and actually pay attention. I have a test on wednesday, I don't have a book yet... *sigh* i should get on that. I think i should do well in this class. 4 tests and a final, 2 geo tests with formulas ^_^ and 2 trig. Not sure about the trig but if i can manage to kickass on the geo i should have a cushion.

smudge is a girl. Apparently young kittens are hard to sex (no laughing) because they are so small. But now that she's bigger the vet says he's certain she's female. She got her first round of shots and a kitty cancer/aids test. She is healthy =)

I bought a giant vinyl tablecloth. Why you ask? because i am going to make a giant D&D map out of it. I want to play, and now having my own set of awesome dice, i am going to restart the nerdness. The 4th edition books are introducing all new rules for characters and battles. I have them so that i can read up and be prepared. I also plan to be more of a DM and change things when i want. You want to kill that NPC? sure, i'll make it fun too. I might even introduce zombies and shit. I mean story kinda gets boring if the plot isn't like, scandalous or something. There is also a new race called dragonborn. I haven't read up on it but it sounds interesting. I might create some awesome allies. Oh and no killing the allies i make. Those are not disposable NPCs. and i will make sure that they one hit kill u.

Bleh, i hate summer classes. I really do. All i want to do is sit on my ass and do nothing. But i can't because if i do i'll be living here for 5 years or more. I'm almost 20. god. And it's becoming apparent that i need more privacy than this house can give me. Summer time means sisters and obnoxious friends who touch my ps3 when i'm not looking. NOT COOL. Oh and i hear bioshock is being released for ps3. yesss. awesome. And i am so getting bad company.

*sigh* i don't even know why i'm complaining. Not having class would only be worth it if everyone else was free too. Bleh. Might as well keep trudging through school. I really need a break though. I've been going to school straight since january i think. well there was spring break, but besides that i haven't had much of a break, and i won't when fall comes either. I wish i could just take a break. mnehmnehmneh. i need a vacation. i'm tired. so far all i've got to look forward to is disneyland in august, and then christmas. ugh that makes everything look so bleak.

squeeee kitty <3

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 06:30:54 GMT

So i have this new kitten and it is adorable. I think it's a girl but i'm not entirely sure. I named her smudge. There was another cat that belonged to my (cool) aunt. It's name was smudge. So my kitty is smudge the second.

anyways she is awesome. Clement found her in his neighborhood. She was malnourished and dehydrated but other than that, pretty healthy. Her mom left her and her litter mate alone too soon. The other kitten was a bitch tho. Not cool. And that is why it's in the shelter =P. It was cute tho, orange tabby.

My kitty is cuter. She has orange tabby stripes under black soot-like smudges. Really awesome. And her eyes are greeeeeen ^_^. She was really quiet and calm the first few days, but after she got something to eat and drink, as well as a warm place to sleep, she perked right up. She eats, then plays, then sleeps. That's her cycle. Somewhere in there she manages to go to the bathroom at least 4-5 times a day. She has some blood tho, so i'm taking her to the vet tomorrow. Hopefully she's alright.

She gets along really well with the other cats. She pretends to stalk autumn, who pretends to hit her in the head, it's really just a light tap. And mittens loves to run back and forth with her, which is surprising considering her considerable girth. Fat sumo kitty could use the exercise.

Anyways yes. You all should meet her. heehee.

mnehmnehmneh

Wed, 14 May 2008 03:05:56 GMT

so chabot has the classes i need, but not at good times. They have the trig class i need but it conflicts with the chem class and my automotive class. Now i'm taking shop at night during the week. gwar. If ohlone hurries up with my app then i might be able to take automotive class in the morning and take chem, trig and my computer class before the afternoon. Then that leaves all fridays, late afternoon, nights and weekends for hanging outs. hoooooray.

OH. I got a 92 on my last math test before teh final. FUCK YOU MATH! hahaha. pwnage. and now i have a good chance of passing with a B. wootness.

I signed up for all my fall classes. I'm taking two engineering classes, precalc, english and intro to physics because they won't let me take the other one. stupid calculus req. and i'm taking one online automotive career class thingy because none of the shop classes are at good times for me. so 18 credits i think if i added right. yaaay. sounds like fun to me.

i'm thinking that if i'm this incredibly busy my parents might leave me alone. or at least leave me alone about getting a job seeing as i will be basically either at school or doing homework for the rest of my life.

class makes me excited because then i am not always bored and i have stuff to do. I really don't mind homework. The only homework i hate is math homework, and even that isn't so bad anymore, seeing as it isn't that much.

The other day i felt really good. I think my life is almost perfect. There are moments when it gets ruined but for the most part it's perfect. I'm smart, i know what i want and it's easily attainable, i have a good chance of duplicating the lifestyle i've become accustomed to and i love the way i look, hair or no. I basically think i am the most awesome person on the earth, and i don't feel guilty or bad for saying that. I mean, i'm doing something that's really hard for a lot of people even after the biggest disaster of my life so far. I am badass because i never once barfed during chemo and i managed to hang out with everyone. And best of all i didn't die. Despite all of that lameness that is cancer, i have everything i want. I am happy almost all the time, and i'm excited for the rest of my life. I'm not worried about anything because i've learned that nothing can stop me. NOTHING. I always find a way around failure and disaster. I failed math, twice. That just means i have to take it in college. So what, i'm awesome. I got cancer. So i'm going to chabot. That doesn't mean i won't get an internship or make a ton of money. Because i'm awesome. And if i think i'm awesome it will show and ppl will see that determination and hire me. I don't give up, i refuse. I can do anything i want, and if there's something i can't do, it's usually not something i want to do.

Life is aweosme and it's only going to get better. Someday i'll be in europe, buying expensive cars and working for the world's best automotive companies, and it will make me extremely happy. And that's just the beginning. Then i get to be an awesome mom with even more awesome babies =) mmmm happy.

OMFG

Wed, 07 May 2008 09:14:59 GMT

Diaz tried to add me on facebook. I don't know if i should laugh or throw up. a[dirng[ajoehnr [onfhadh

WHY?!?!?!?

Fri, 02 May 2008 01:24:36 GMT

So yesterday i went shoe shopping. I got some nice gladiator sandals but that wasn't the highlight of the evening. My purse got stolen. My keys and wallet were in it as well as two dollars that stimpy had signed at Coachella.

I was so pissed. Who fucking steals a dirty lesportsac at macy's when you could go buy a clean one. And i assume that if u are in the macy's in pleasanton that you are not fucking poor.

Anyway I GOT IT BACK!!! they returned it to the lost and found after rifling through it. They didn't take anything except those two dollars. TWO DOLLARS?!?!?!? come on people. Go fucking look under seat cushions or something. jeezus christ. I'm so sorry stimpy ='(. I'll make it up to you at BFD or something....

Now i have to wait to use two of my credit cards because my mom canceled two of them before i got it back. siiigh. well it could have been worse.

Anyway, on a side note, i though melissa might like this.

mmmm yummy hahaha.

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 04:47:41 GMT

Big Question!!

so if we can't go in and out of the concert area how do we eat?

if the only choice is buying food in there, we shouldn't buy a lot of groceries....

COACHELLA PLAN

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:52:09 GMT

EDIT: Ok so we're leaving friday morning. That's better because then we will have light to set up the tent. Couple of things my mom has added. We will need breakfast foods, so bagels, cream cheese and muffins and maybe doughnuts. mmm yummy. I will be buying bread, salami and cheese which we can keep in the tent in the cooler in zippy bags so it doesn't get wet.

I'll be driving the whole way, my mom insists, so don't worry about that. Everyone needs to bring shower stuff, and sandals and sleeping bags. I have extras if u need them. Anything valuable has to be left in the car because there's no way to keep it safe at the tent.

Oh and flashlights. I don't have many so bring some. I do have a large lantern for the tent though.

Oh and does anyone know if we have in and out privileges for parking?

-----

I get out of class last at 3:45. I'll have the car all packed the night before and i'll drive it to school. Then i'll pick everyone up, so yes mari rose if u could be home that would be nice. we'll just add everyone's shtuff in the back.

We need to buy food for munchies, but i'm sure we can buy food for meals there. we can at least drive into town for dinner or something. But it'll be cheaper if we buy some stuff ahead of time, so we can munch at night. I'm bringing my monstrous cooler with ice.

So yeah i guess i will be buying snacks. Comment with what you guys want. Be specific. we'll have the cooler but try not to pick anything perishable. Dunno how long the cooler will keep it fresh.

My mom says we have to split gas so i shall total it at the end and we can do that laters.

Oh and somebody get google map directions. Because i have no clue where anything is.

Everyone should get some spending cash before we go, for t-shirts and meals and things. Not sure where ATM's will be and stuff.

Ok that's all i've got/

Questions??

Didn't einstein fail math? Let's just go with that, it makes me feel better.

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 04:41:48 GMT

Sometimes i feel like i'm just smart enough to realize how stupid i am. And it sucks. I say this because i am in a class that is the equivalent of Algebra 2 for the mentally retarded and have a C. yep. I want to die of shame and self loathing.

I haven't told my parents and they have only said why are you being so bitchy? I said i had a "bad day" and that was the end of it.

I didn't tell them because the conversation would go towards, " you know you aren't so good at math danielle why don't you just be an english major. You write so well, it would be a lot easier for you." I DON"T FUCKING WANT TO BE AN ENGLISH MAJOR GOD DAMMIT. a;lerngaordhn god.

Yes i write very very well. But i hate it. I don't like one thing about it, i have no interest in writing books, texts, manuals or anything of the sort. I don't want to be a critic or a lawyer or anything else. because (and pardon me if this offends anyone) I don't believe that humanities do anything useful or productive. Ideas and poetry and philosophy are nice. I suppose those are the things that make us human and for that i guess we should study them and remember them. But they hold no interest for me at all. They even annoy me. I hate cultural studies, philosophers, playwrights, poets and all those things. They take themselves too seriously. Life is a joke. Laugh dammit.

What i'm trying to say is to me science is worthwhile, working towards a finished project and having made something new and useful is awesome. Advancing the knowledge of our world and it workings is more useful than a sonnet or a book. Those don't DO anything.

I am really really good at physics (and chem i guess if i took the time to work at it, i don't really like the pen and paper stuff). But i suck hardcore at math. Really. It's not funny. I know what i'm doing but it always comes out wrong and i feel stupid and want to cry. But only in math classes.

I want to be an engineer. More than anything in the world. But my entire family thinks i'm stupid and should just be a lawyer or something. I know it would be the easiest thing in the world for me, but i hate it. DO NOT WANT.

I'm just struggling right now, and i knew it would be a struggle from the very beginning, but the part i hate is the lack of support from my family. It's like every mini failure, every mediocre grade is going to get me the "i told you so" line. So i'm hiding from my family because honestly we no longer have anything in common.

My mom was yelling at me for hiding in my room. I told an LHC joke that is fucking hilarious and no one laughed. Then i said, "i guess i'll be going back to my room now". Everyone yells at me to change the channel when i watch how it's made or how they do it or those awesome universe shows on the history channel. Even star trek and BSG get the remote stolen from me. We have nothing in common. I hate survivor and american idol and ANTM and law and order and WW2 shows. I also hate jewelry tv and shopping channels.

That is why i sit in my room and that is why i hate talking to all of you (family). One of you has the IQ of a sausage and the other two think i'm a fish trying to fly. I'm obviously the product of a union with the milkman or something.

*sigh* for some reason i still don't feel any better....

Vicodin is awesome

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:56:16 GMT

So randomly yesterday after eating a sandwich my throat decided to like... die a really painful death. Coughing, choking, hiccups, almost throwing up, the works. My parents called the on call doctor at the cancer clinic and she prescribed me vicodin and a medicated mouthwash. I actually had a hard time swallowing anything because it hurt so bad, but right after i took the vicodin i could eat whatever i wanted (provided it wasn't too crunchy).

I'm kinda pissed tho because my last radiation was monday, so i was basically done with everything evar. Apparently my throat can be like this for two days or two weeks. pleeeeease two days. gwar.

So i skipped class today. Woot. I now have as long as i need to recover before my math test on tuesday. ew.

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 01:55:30 GMT

So. Almost done with radiation. This week they narrowed the field down and took some xrays. I'll be officially done on monday. Then i get a ct scan and another xray. After that i only have to come in on tuesdays to the joint clinic my radiation oncologist and my regular oncologist share. So yes after that i get a pet scan and then i only come in once a month. Woot, nearly done with treatment.

Anyways, related to that.... I am so sunburned and itchy. Ugh. gross. But my hair is coming in really fast! yaaaaay.

I went to look at the chabot list of classes and let me say, they suck pretty bad. I can't take anything i need over there. I'm going to have to go to ohlone to take math, chem and c++. They don't have physics but whatever, i don't think i have enough math for it anyway. So yeah, my summer's full for the most part, but weekends are going to be free. Yay movies and junk food. We can chill at my house this summer i think. I'll just convince my parents i'll keep it clean.

So my sister got a new car. Brand new scion xD. kinda ugly but whatever, she likes it. In exchange my parents told me that if i clean out my car they will pay 200 bucks to have it completely detailed inside and out. mmm. I just replaced the front passenger tire because it was gashed. They rebalanced the tires too. It still pulls to one side tho so i think i need to have the alignment checked. It needs a filter and oil change too.

My sister is now officially going to prom with her new boyfriend. I bet her that they would break up in two weeks. It's her usual time table with boys. we'll see i guess.

I have to go to a clifford family reunion in Arizona this summer, right after finals.Gross heat blech. But i have to go, apparently everyone is expecting me. hmmm. And then i'm going to disneyland sometime in june i think. WOOT. hahaha.

Oh and everyone should watch battlestar galactica. it's amazing. There's a marathon on sci fi channel. mmm epic.

so yes, that's what's new in my life i guess. Coachella is very sooooon.